Post your jokes here

[Pinnacle-Project]

While out hiking in Missoula Montana with my girlfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my pocket and fired one shot. It hit my girlfriend in her kneecap and the bear caught her easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

I love that pistol, I'll find other girlfriends.

[Pinnacle-Project]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yup" and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[Pinnacle-Project]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Arkansas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"The blondes all nodded in the affirmative.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned,took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[Pinnacle-Project]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times'.

[slgrieb]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times'.

This makes the rounds in Texas as an Aggie joke as well. Some Aggies take Aggie jokes with good humor, and some don't. I was in a bar in College Station a few years ago, when a drunk Aggie took exception to one too many Aggie jokes and pulled out a razor. Things could have gotten ugly, but he couldn't find any place to plug it in.

[slgrieb]

A penguin is taking a vacation in Arizona, and he stops in a small town for gas, only to find that his car won't move after he tries to pull away from the pump. The mechanic at the station says "Hey, no problem! We can check out the car and fix it for you." So, the penguin says, "OK, but it's really hot, so I'm going to the ice cream parlor across the street."

An hour later, the penguin goes back to the garage, and the mechanic says, "Bad news. Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replies "No, no, just ice cream."

[slgrieb]

Clem and Luke had been friends since grade school, but after they graduated High School, Luke went to the University of Texas at Austin to study law, and Clem went to Texas A&M to major in Animal Husbandry, because he really wanted to be a pig farmer.

Nevertheless, they stayed in contact, and they both lived their dream. Luke had a successful law practice, Clem was a successful hog producer. They hadn't seen each other in a few years, but one day Luke called up Clem and said, "I'm taking two weeks off, and I want to come visit the farm."

So, a few days later Luke shows up at the farm, and it's just like old times again. The next morning, Clem wakes up Luke to help with the chores, and they drive the pigs to a large grove of oak tree. Then Clem picks up one of the hogs and holds it up into the oak tree while it eats acorns. Then he puts down the pig and repeats the routine with another hog.

So Luke says, "What are you doing?"

Clem says, "I'm feeding the hogs acorns. They are free, very nutritious, and the pigs like 'em"

Luke says, "Well, I get that, but isn't it pretty time consuming?"

"I guess it is," replied Clem, "but Hell, what's time to a pig?"

[slgrieb]

Why do blondes write TGIF in their shoes? It stands for Toes Go In First.

[Pinnacle-Project]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says:

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!"

[Pinnacle-Project]

I knew Oregon had the Ducks but I did not realize until today that Oregon State's mascot is the beaver. Something kind of odd about the women's athletic program being called the Beavers. Anyway, it looks like they don't have a problem with the name.