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[Pinnacle-Project]

INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS

A professor at the University of British Columbia was giving a lecture
on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject,
the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom...

[northbayteky]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint,
come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to
the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was
'dry' and that he was going to get a
drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned
over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to
the little lizard and helped him to the side.
Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile
that he had been sitting with the koala in
the tree, smoking a joint, but got too
stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and
walked into the rain forest, found the tree
where the koala was sitting finishing
a joint.

The crocodile looked up
and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, dude...
How much water did you drink?'

[northbayteky]

This one is for all the vets in the room (figuratively speaking)

*Dear Civilians, 'We know that the current state of affairs in Our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the Military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your Assistance:*

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a Hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest - kick their ass.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great.. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

4. (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that You were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or jungle fatigues, telling others that you used to be 'Special Forces or Navy Seals, collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been OK when you were seven years old Now, it will only make you look stupid and Get your ass kicked.

5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

6. If you witness someone calling the *US Coast Guard* 'non-military', Inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass..

7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.

8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief(CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our C in C Regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked.

9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop Saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore could kick your ass!

10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying let's go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me- if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass!

11. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines),* 'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), Etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.

12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands Of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing They could be with their families. Thank God for our military And the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked..'



*'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the Freedom of the press.'



'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom Of speech.'



'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.'



'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the Protester to burn the flag.'

[74AD]

What's the worst thing you can hear while sucking Willie Nelson's dick?
"I'm not Willie Nelson"

[northbayteky]

I'm a blonde, you see...

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! ' What ' s going on here? ' 'My car has a flat tire ' I said calmly. 'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? ' I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, ' Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers! '

[slgrieb]

I've been exploring Win10, and Cortana recently, and if you ask Cortana to tell you a joke, she will. Sorry but given the female voice for Cortana, I just can't relate to her as an "it". Here's an example: "What do you do if you see a spaceman? You park in it, man!" or "What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick."

But here's my own. A guy wants to give his wife something special for their first anniversary, so he goes to a tattoo parlor and asks to get his wife's name tattooed on his dick. "No problem" says the artist, "but you've got to get it up first." Guy plays with it a bit, and then gets "Wendy" tattooed on his cock.

He goes home and says "Hey, Babe! I got you a special present!" Then, he drops his pants, his wife looks at his dick and says "You got Wy tattooed on your dick? How is that special?" Guy says, "Just play with it and you'll see." So his wife fondles him, and she is very appreciative when she sees "Wendy" tattooed on his boner.

A few days later, the guy is in the restroom after eating lunch, and he glances at the man next to him using the urinal, and he says, "Hey! I just noticed that you have WY tattooed on your dick. My wife's name is Wendy, and I have that tattooed on my cock. Is your wife named Wendy too?"

The man at the next urinal says, "No, my tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica mon, and have a nice day."

[JaxSon]

My hero...

[slgrieb]

A man decides he wants to be a hunter, so he goes to a gun store, buys a rifle, shoots some paper, and thinks he's ready for any game. So the next weekend, he goes to the forest determined to kill a bear. He hangs a bag of donuts from a tree, waits a while, and sure enough a bear shows up and starts munching on the bait. The hunter takes a shot at the bear, it falls over, and the guy runs over to look at the body.

When he gets there, there is no dead bear to be seen. Suddenly, a huge paw slaps the rifle out of his hand, and then spins him around. So, there's the bear. The bear says, "I'll give you a choice. You can blow me, or I'll rip your face off and eat you." So the hunter blows the bear.

The next day he is totally pissed off and humiliated. He thinks. "Man, if I had just a little more firepower and a better scope, I'd have killed that bear!" So he buys a new rifle and takes another bag of donuts to the woods. He waits, sees the bear again, and takes the shot. The bear falls over. The hunter runs down the hill to look at the body, and again there isn't one. Once more, the rifle gets knocked out of his hands, and he turns around to see the bear. The bear says, "Well, I guess you know the drill." So the hunter starts giving the bear head, and then the bear says, "Your aren't really here for hunting, are you?"

[northbayteky]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he
is staring.

He re plies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend
you'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive.' Well, I've always had a fantasy to
have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about
that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab
driver is very excited and says Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My
dear child,' said the nun, why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party.'

[slgrieb]

Strictly speaking, this isn't a joke, but it's a funny true story. Back in '73, the University of Texas at Austin lost my student deferment papers and I was drafted. So I had to drive 500 miles north to home, and board a bus with like, 18 or so guys, and report to the recruiting center in Amarillo for my pre-induction physical. My least favorite part of the physical was when we all had to line up for hernia exams. So here is this line of guys wearing paper slippers with our shorts down around our ankles while the doctor (wearing a latex glove of course) sticks two fingers up our inguinal canals, and says "Turn your head and cough." Women entering the military are spared this particular procedure, though I'm sure they get to endure some equivalent that is just as invasive and humiliating.

Anyway, the doctor is giving the hernia exam to an old buddy about 3 places in line away from me when the doctor says, "How long have you only had one testicle?" This kid looked down and said, "Shit! It was there this morning!"